On Sunday at church, our pastor honored someone who joined you in the presence of our father in heaven. He departed on 26th December. As you might imagine, my heart went racing to the day you departed so suddenly. I remembered it like it had only freshly happened. I wish that is all it had been, reminiscence! It was not. The feeling of pain pierced right through my heart just like it had on the 20th of December 2017 after Shane Brian and I had had that brief conversation with an evidently broken doctor who had to break the news to us. I remembered how difficult it had been for her to tell us that you had gone. Brian yelling at her and demanding that she get to the point and say what she knew she had to say.
Eventually she collected every nerve in her and told us, “She is gone.” Those words pierced like a sharp sword right through my heart. I did not know what to do or how to feel. I was numb for a few seconds. I looked at the monitors (heart rate and oxygen) and while the oxygen one had gone flat, the heart rate one still had some life. There was a pulse. Shane asked if what she was seeing on the monitor was a pulse and the doctor said it was a pulse but it was all the work of a machine. That is all we needed. We rushed to your bedside and prayed for you to come back. What we did not want to understand is that you had tasted Glory!!! It was so sweet! Why would you want to come back to pain?
We knew where you were going but we were selfish. We wanted you too. We were not prepared; we were not ready, just not yet. Whether we would ever have been ready is another thing all together. What we were sure of at that moment is you had slipped out of our lives and it was not fair. Do not even ask fair to who! Anyway, you tasted Glory and you were not going to compromise. We were left with no choice but to respect God’s will.
So Sunday was kind of tough with thoughts of you, trying to constantly push them away because I did not want to start crying. I went to Jajas as is our Sunday custom. In the evening when we were back home, something happened. Our Tal Tal who had not even made three when you departed made one of her usual imaginary phone calls. She usually makes imaginary business phone calls, telling the recipient on the other side how she has a meeting etc. On Sunday night, she made one of those interesting phone calls only this time she made it to you Katsy. I was shocked but chose to conceal my shock in order to hear her conversation. It was the usual, business conversation, “Hello Katsy, I am going for a meeting, I will see you later, ok? Kale Katsy we will talk later.” You were on my baby’s mind Katsy and it is heart warming.
So on Monday I called Paula and asked her if I could have Sean for a few days. I wanted to have a part of you with me. She told me to pick him in the evening. He was a little grumpy when we picked him because he had just woken up from his nap. It was not long before his spirit was high again. We were soon in the car saying bye to Mama Paula and the girls. No sooner had we driven out of the gate than Sean started talking. He talked all the way to our home. I was amazed at how similar he was to you. He is so very friendly and carefree. He starts up conversation with any one and everyone. He is so friendly and he likes talking. Oh he is also a clean freak. I have never met a three year old who asks to take a shower, both in the morning and in the evening. He is amazing!!!
At night he insisted that he wanted to sleep in my bed. Of course I let him. But you best believe Talia, Aine and William were not having any of that so I got displaced. I took to the floor. I had all of them in my bed and they giggled into the night amidst my threats to lock them in the living room if they did not sleep. Eventually they all fell asleep although Sean took a little longer. It must have been the new environment. He gave excuses as to why he was not sleeping. His left eye was paining, he said; then it was his stomach, then his leg, then and his right eye. Eventually he could no longer hold his eyelids open any longer and so he gave in to the sleep demand.
Today I want to thank God and also to thank you for leaving for us Sean. A part of you is still alive in him and I am grateful for that.